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August 28th, 2009
12:35 am
Thoughts are a brewing. They need to not be.
Current Mood:  pensive
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April 5th, 2009
10:24 pm - I ended the book that I'm writing, The part about you I'm tearing it out.
Against what I would have expected, I aced my social psych exam. Tuesday is Developmental, that is still up in the air. Thursday evening is Biology, that will be a joke for sure. Otherwise, life is what it is.
Self-sabotage is far too common in my life. I was doing pretty good about it for a while. I don't know why I let myself slip. I guess I got lonely, I got tired, I got nostalgic. So, now I am caught on a slippery slope. Life is going to get tricky. I guess I can at least be thankful to have something going on rather than nothing.
I meant to write a lot this weekend. I never quite felt like it. Now I do, when I am running out of time. I hate that. But, this last week has done more for me developing the plot than most of the previous time has. I know everything that needs to happen now, everything left is details. I haven't been this pleased with the idea since I started.
Current Music: Blue October
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March 22nd, 2009
11:25 pm
Weekend accomplishments:- Didn't die on the driving excursion with Eric and Rob
- Did my taxes
- Got fucked up while playing Scattergories and Apples to Apples
- Found out I have a soulmate
- Finally got my tattoo, plus two more for kicks
- Played through Gears of War 2 with Eric
Calling this weekend a success. Now a week of work, and a weekend of relaxation in zombie territory. Should be good hunting.
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March 17th, 2009
05:01 am
Eventually I will need to start actively thinking about some things. Eventually. It is a known fact that big decisions, problems, or ideas are actually best worked out by your unconscious mind. The conscious is stupid. It can only do so much. It gets easily flooded with sensory overload, trivial daily tasks, etc. There is a reason some people have a "one track mind", or that people just can't multitask incredibly well. The conscious mind is incredibly limited in how much it can do at once. And that is intentional. Our active mind should only be focused on the here and now, what is in front of us, and what is crucial to our life. If early humans had focused on how to best make arrows while trying to hunt using what they had, they would have starved. Think of the conscious as a dual, or maybe quad core processor. It can do a several things at once, but it excels when it has only one or two.
The unconscious mind however, is not so limited. It has free reign to use your brain's fully capabilities, while not being limited to the one track focus of the conscious. Not only does it more or less operate the automatic processes of your body, but it acts below the level of conscious recognition. So while you are taking that midterm, your brain is unconsciously deciding what you really want for lunch, dinner, and breakfast tomorrow. And when you consciously decide you want pizza, that was really just your conscious mind getting the memo for something already decided. The really glory though, is in its problem solving. Several accounts tell of physicists working on incredibly complex equations. They are simply stuck, so they take some time off, and don't even think about their work. Days or weeks later, they wake up, and the answer pops into their heads. How could this be? Luck, well maybe. But the truth, is that they knew they still had that problem to solve, and even though they weren't consciously thinking of it, their unconscious was keeping the work alive, and when it figured it out, it passes along the message.
/end Psychological tangent
There was a point though. I have things I need to decide and figure out. I am not thinking about them though. I am waiting for the solution to come to me. Or, when the time comes that I must think about them, I am confident I will have a far better grasp of the situation than if I sat here and mulled it over manually.
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March 13th, 2009
March 11th, 2009
01:55 am
I think I am going to change my major to something more like pre-med. I want to be a doctor now. Who knew?
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March 10th, 2009
01:12 am
I feel as though, for all my efforts at change, at learning to be more than who I used to be, at making something of life, I'm just not. I have no more satisfaction in my life than I ever have. I find no unique joy in anything I do. I look around while on campus some days, and I question where the merit of my life is. What am I really doing to justify my place? I guess from there I have to question if I even need to justify my life.
This is not to complain, to say that my life is bad. Far from it. Less some ever present burdens of money and family, nothing is really wrong. There are few bright spots, but I learned early on not to expect much. I could be in a relationship, that would be a plus. I could have a car of my own, that would be a plus. I could manage to keep a consistent sleep schedule for more than one night, a major plus. But really, I obviously get by just fine without those things.
In fact, my life as improved since the start of the new year. I am exercising regularly. I am playing WoW less(I am actually playing again, so small step back maybe, but frankly I don't have something to do all the time). I am talking to people in classes, and have at least broadened my social circle so I occasionally have people to hang out with in Columbia, though I really want to see this happen more frequently. If I don't have plans here in Columbia, I either have friends come into town, or go out of town every weekend. I successfully accomplished my secret goal with two months to spare, and have now set a replacement goal to be completed by the summer. Really, with the exception of not having as much social confidence as I would like, I have succeeded admirably thus far.
I am in an existential mood. More than that, I am sifting through the past, filtering it for lessons and wisdom. I don't believe in fate, I don't. I cannot accept that my life is not in my own hands. God may know what is coming, but, that is the perk of omniscience, doesn't mean I don't get to make all the decisions along the way. That being said, I believe in signs. I believe in what I feel and know to be true. I believe that there is more than what we can see and reason and logic, regardless of how much merit I place in such things. And what I know, is that I made mistakes that will haunt me with thoughts of what if for a very long time.
I am not one to hold my breath, but I can't help but feel that things were not supposed to end like they did. I am not waiting around hoping, that would contradict the logic that does rule my life, nor will I act on my lingering emotion because the time has passed and my morals don't allow it. What I can do though is pursue the future and be pleasantly surprised if I am proven correct one day, or look back nostalgically on what once was. And that will do, because I have learned, and will know better for the future, whatever it may bring. In the immediate future, I just need to make sure the past isn't holding me back, because there are prospects worth pursuing if I can muster the nerve.
I was going to comment on what I have been thinking about people in general, but I think that is a post for itself and for another time. In other news, work on my novel is progressing nicely. I have several thousand words so far. Not exactly huge, but most of my time spent is working things out in my head. I am still working on overcoming the fear of actually putting thought into words. I am never satisfied. I guess that is a good thing. If anyone actually reading this cares to look, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2) aberranteidolon is where to go. I need to update it with the latest parts I have written, but it is time for bed right now.
Current Mood:  quixotic
Current Music: Guster
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December 22nd, 2008
01:01 am
Inspiration has struck.
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June 3rd, 2008
01:01 am
If you are going to have a problem about something, or have something on your mind worth mentioning, fucking explain it. Don't just say I don't know over and over. Don't just bring something up and leave me fucking confused as hell as to what just happened. And most certainly don't do it right when I am trying to go to bed. Fucking Christ.
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May 28th, 2008
09:41 am
So I am down one massively decayed tooth. Ah, relief. The left side of my face is swollen slightly, completely numb, but oh the relief. There may be pain later, but I am allowed to take lots of pain killers, and if I want I can have something stronger called in for me. Awesome.
What isn't awesome is that the dentist counted(supposedly) 8 cavities when just checking out my mouth. Now, I have taken pretty good care of my mouth, but I haven't seen a dentist for 5 years, let alone had a cleaning. So I guess that is a fair number. Oh well. Get that taken care of when I get more money.
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